Mike Dunn and the Tour of Burger King

Mike Dunn is a man that is remarkably easy to write about. The first word that comes to mind when describing the Pittsburgh, Pa. native is originality. Dunn has an endless amount of originality and creativity in that brain of his. He is the proud owner of a wide variety of one-liners at his disposal and generates laughter like R. Kelly produces rap hits, he just never stops.

Here’s an example. I recently drove up to Columbus, Ohio for my good friend Tony Castricone’s 25^th birthday. I was sure to remind Tony, “How does it feel to be a quarter of a century old? ” Haha, that is a negative map of looking at it, but Castricone shook it off like Reggie Bush shakes defenders in the open field. Anyways serve to Mike Dunn. This guy dropped what was easily the most hilarious line of the night when Tony’s cousin/masterful guitarist Mikey entered the party. As soon as Mikey came outside and was introduced to everybody, he immediately began talking about his cat was stung by a bee! According to Mikey, this was a pretty serious situation and I immediately started laughing. I mean honestly, why in the world would being stung by a bee be a serious situation? Apparently this cat was no ordinary feline, it was allergic to bees. I guess I get the nightly award for being “Mr. Sensitivity”.

This whole time, Mikey had actually teed this story up for somebody. The golf ball was quietly settled on the tee, but I didn’t notice and nobody else seemed to pick up on it either. Not to trouble, Mike Dunn quickly realized the situation and quipped, “What a pussy!” Hahah, ladies and gentlemen, Dunn had unbiased stepped into the tee box, pulled out the driver, and tattooed that golf ball 300 yards down the middle of the fairway! That line, for me, sums up Dunn’s personality. His endless amount of creativity and originality earn a lethal combination of humor that will leave your diaphragm aching for weeks. He’s not one dimensional. If Mike Dunn was a quarterback, he’d be able to beat you with his rocket launcher for an arm or dance around your defense like a ballerina with his quick feet. Dunn reminds me of a character out of CATS, without all of the crazy make up of course. I know it sounds like a stretch, but work with me on this. He has some ridiculously long hair, a fiery orange dew that stretches a foot into the sky and takes on a life of its own. Holding apt to Mike Dunn design, the fiery dew strays in every which direction but also serves a purpose. It fits very nicely within his package of originality, displayed by his small league soccer t-shirt and his classic SMO(Singing Men of Ohio) visor. Dunn wasn’t even in Singing Men of Ohio, he unbiased liked the visor, not to worry, he can pull it off.

The next morning everybody in Tony’s bedroom was hung over except for me and Missy Dunn began whining for that delectable delight of a cheeseburger called the Whopper. Thus, it was splendid much decided that me, Sara Normand, Tony Castricone, and Mike Dunn would be making the drive down the street to the local Burger King in the city of Columbus. Dunn was absolutely famished and knew that it was going to take a immense amount of food to satiate his appetite. No kids’ meal for this fast-food devouring legend. Then, an idea was born; Dunn called it “The Tour of BK”. The lineup consisted of a whopper, a double cheeseburger, a rodeo burger, fries, and an ice cold Coca Cola to wash it all down. That, ladies and gents, is what I like to call a meal. Could it be finished by the ordinary man? Absolutely not, that’s where the legendary Mike Dunn steps in. A god amongst mortals. I didn’t believe he would be able to enact this mountain of a meal on this day in late June 2007. So I told him that I would write an article about it if he could achieve it all and sure enough, here I am. It wasn’t easy for him by any means, but sure enough, Dunn was a cold-hearted assassin on that day in Columbus, devouring every last morsel of food before him. His incisors would not be denied, running through that pile of beef like crap through a goose. After it was all said and Dunn, he’d destroyed $8.61 worth of food, not a small feat by any stretch of the imagination. Surely the rest of the menu was quivering in apprehension, for Mike Dunn was in the house. You might be alive to in the amount of nutritional value in this “meal”.

Well, I’m no nutritionist, actually far from it, but I did a little bit of numbers crunching on the Burger King website. They have a calculator on the website that will give you the nutritional information of the food you eat and you can add it all up.

In all, the meal consisted of 2,140 calories. In case you didn’t know the recommended daily caloric intake for a person in an entire DAY is 2,000 calories. So Dunn not only exceeded his daily caloric intake, but did it in one sitting. A man amongst boys I tell ya. Here are some other bright tidbits. When he consumed the “Tour of BK” Mike Dunn ingested: 1,110 calories from fat, 123 total fat grams, 44 total saturated fat grams, 10.5 total trans fat grams, 250 mg of cholesterol, and an eye-gouging amount of sodium: 3,955 mg.

In true journalistic beget, you have to tell the good with the bad and not every part of “The Tour” was awful, Dunn happened find some critical nutrients in the meal as well. In all he ate 11 grams of fiber, 29% of his daily Vitamin A, 37% of his daily Vitamin C, 62% of his daily calcium, and a whopping 78% of his daily iron intake.

Calling local cardiologist in 3…2…..1. Not to trouble, Dunn survived the meal and survived it with a smile on his face. I even had the opportunity to glean up with him a few days after the event.

I had a chance to speak with Dunn through e-mail. Here are the questions:

Q: First, what inspired you to perform “The Tour” and how did you come up with the view?

A: The idea came to me in a hung over stupor, unbiased minutes after awaking from Tony Castricone’s birthday bash. Einstein had a laboratory. Poe had a candle lit desk. I had a hardwood floor and a brain soaked in Jager. When other hung over friends suggested Burger King as a place to eat, I argued that I was hungry enough to eat a whopper, a double cheeseburger, a rodeo burger, fries and a coke. It only seemed fitting that it be called “the tour of BK.” Step aside, Olive Garden. Your tour of Italy is for the extinct.

Q: You looked like you were struggling down the home stretch, you seemed to struggle with those fries, but seemed to find extra room. How did you do it?

A: I didn’t hit the wall until I’d downed all three burgers. Although miscellaneous fries had been eating during that process, two thirds still remained. I was hurting, but I told myself that for a man to near this close to his dream and not reach it — well, that would be tragic. I knew it would be a painful finish, but I knew it could be done.

Q: Is this the most you’ve ever eaten in one sitting at Burger King?

A: My usual lunge to BK consists of two double cheeseburgers, a large fry and a large coke. The tour was my marathon. And you don’t train for a marathon by running a marathon. You hiss for a marathon by running the equivalent of two double cheeseburgers, a big fry and a coke.

Q: Last, but not least, how did you feel once you set aside the final bits of lettuce and onions in your mouth and realize that you’d finished such a ridiculously large meal?

A: Down the home stretch, I was focused on that final fry. “Get to that final fry,” I told myself. But once I’d finished it, Tony Castricone argued that to enact the tour, I had to also grasp the bits of lettuce and onions that had fallen off the Whopper. Upon hearing that news, I almost threw up. But champions don’t fold when the game goes to overtime. They achieve. So, I finished. When I did, I wanted to jump in the air and run around. Unfortunately I was physically incapable of doing that.

On that day in late June of 2007, not only was “The Tour of BK” born, but a legend named Mike Dunn. Go and instruct your friends of “The Tour”. Mike Dunn came, he saw, he conquered.

I witnessed it with my maintain two eyes, as did Tony Castricone, Sara Normand, and Missy Dunn. Think you are man enough to take “The Tour of BK”? I highly doubt it. In the meantime, Burger Kings across the nation are quivering in fear as Mike Dunn and his incisors await their next victim.